The Sapphic Stripper

You wouldn’t believe the gold mine one can so easily unearth when the letters S – T – R – I – P are typed into your Netflix search engine.

Back in middle school I heard the name Method Man bounce around the lunchroom as I fiddled with Jewel’s Pieces of You spinning and skipping in my allegedly SHOCK-PROOF discman. I still don’t know anything about his jams or raps but what’s important is that I now know that he LOVES strippers (I mean, who doesn’t, but whatever) and made a DOCUMENTARY about it.

It starts off like this:

“EVERY MAN. IN THE WHOLE WORLD. WANTS TO SEE A WOMAN. BUTT. NAKED”
The cameraman then adds: “ASS ‘N TITTIES”

Then this guy goes on to totally win me over:

Travis Barker is the sidekick. In his first shot he looks more excited than I’d ever seen him banging on drums back when I was thirteen and taller than all the boys who idolized him.

Then (being the new stoner that I am), I realized that he’s not excited, but just seriously blitzed on weed. And so is everyone else featured in this documentary, for its entire seventy minute duration.

Method Man tells us that he is visiting strip clubs in five cities across America, beginning with New York City.

I was really excited to see which club they would pick/gain access to in New York. The sequence starts with an establishing shot of Manhattan and then Method Mad is like, “We’re at Sue’s in WESTCHESTER.”

BAHAHAHA.

I’ve lived here for two years and I guess I will officially become a quintessential New York asshole when I tell you that  WESTCHESTER IS NOT NEW YORK CITY.

I will now dismount my high horse.

*

We are now in some other club in some other city:

One of Method Man’s cronies jumps right into a totally legit statement,

“I GOTTA ADMIT, Y’ALL GOT SOME DOPE-ASS TOES.”

Which leads him to asking a very pertinent question:

“How do you maintain that shit when you wearing those high heels?”

The scene then cuts to some twerking asses without anyone giving an answer to his query, which I will do now:

WITH GREAT DIFFICULTY.

The corns I have shaved off my feet on a weekly basis could feed a moderately-sized Bolivian village.

THEN I LEARNED THAT YOU CAN GET A LAP DANCE WHILE YOU’RE GETTING YOUR HAIR WHIPPED.

Seriously, America. You really have it all.

Then we have a magnificent scene where Scarface and Method Man are chilling in a garage somewhere. They are talking about their preferred pubic hairstyles on their Goddesses.

Scarface gets pretty serious and long-winded about his love for bush:

Scarface then gets so bold and breaks the fourth wall, reaching to the cameraman/boom guy’s sound thing (I’m lost when it comes to film production terminology) to really articulate his point:

I love when men talk about loving bush because it just seems so tragically rare these days.

Like Scarface, I, too, love bush this post seems to be getting a little long-winded. So here are some screenshots for your goldfish attention span:

SPOILER ALERT:

The documentary ends (more or less) with Method Man being confused and disappointed that he was unsuccessful in having the strippers bare their souls for his camera crew.

Method Man, like every man, wanted more from these fantasy girls than what they were willing to give.

*

The ratio of bouncing booties to interesting content in this piece is about 2:1. It is painstakingly clear that Method Man just loves hanging out in strip clubs with naked women. What is most impressive about The Strip Game is that he got a production company to give him enough money so that he and his friends could travel the nation doing just that.

And to that, Method Man, I say you’re one helluva hustler. Kudos.