New York Fucking City

(originally published July 21, 2011 from thesapphicstripper.tumblr.com)

Seven days ago, I moved to New York City.

Actually, that’s a lie. I moved to Brooklyn.

After months of frivolous foraying in the American countryside I have decided to hang my hat, burn off my love handles and rebuild my capital in the city that never sleeps.

So far, I want to fucking die.

And by that I do not mean that I want to end my life. Simply, I am just having a tricky time getting adjusted to giving extremely fat people lap dances (and learning how to use the subway and accepting that a one dollar bill is an acceptable tip for a dancing naked lady).

I mean, really, imagine trying to grind against this guy’s crotch.

He probably hasn’t seen his dick in several years. So if I can’t even gauge where his nob is how can I possibly simulate dry humping it?

I heard through the grapevine of jet setting strippers (we are a niche demographic) that New York City is the place to be for optimal revenue of Vagina Dollars. But little did I know that Americans couldn’t feign a blink of interest in seeing my vagina. So, with sadness, I will heretofore refer to my income as Titty Dollars.

Let the Titty Scrilla makin’ begin!